We aren’t talking about the running that I love. The running that brings me peace and stress relief. The running that is exercise and takes 30 minutes of my day. The running that ran my first marathon and multiple halfs. That’s the running I haven’t had time for in the last few months. That running has been overpowered by the other running I’ve been doing.
I’ve been running from place to place, person to person, event to event, errand to errand. No matter how organized I think I am, and how many events I say no to, somehow I always find myself running.
I’m tired of running.
I love all the events we have on the calendar, and the friends and parties we attend. The errands need to get done, and even though I utilize Amazon Prime and Kroger Clicklist on a regular basis, there is still organized running in my brain to organize all of the errands. I love our friends, and playdates and like I said there are some things that just have to be dropped off or picked up.
This isn’t one of those “How To” posts laying out five easy ways to slow down your life, be less tired and less rundown and more fulfilled.
I know myself and I know I’m going to keep running, it’s simply the season that I’m in. My husband can attest, my yearly resolution to ‘say no more’ does happen. I say no, and other things come up. I try to stay in, and the kids go bonkers so we have to get out. I forget 5 things at the grocery so I have to make one last stop by the grocery for the 8th time this week so dudeman has diapers. There is always one more thing.
My relationships are what fuels me. I love going and being around my friends and family but on some days, the ones when we are literally scheduled to the hour and are hoping to squeeze in a car nap, I am left feeling like I am running. I’m giving everyone half of me because I am so tired, that half is all I can give. I’m still in a new baby haze which doesn’t help.
Even on the days that I do sleep, I’m perpetually tired and functioning on half. Luckily the people that I surround myself with get it. They are either in their own new baby/toddler haze or are runners themselves. We give each other grace to run, to cancel last minute, or to come in the same clothes as a week ago.
I wake up in the morning and my kids need the whole me. They need me to show up. So I take the half of me that is functioning. The 4.5 hours of me that got sleep. And I start running.
I’ve come to terms with my to do list never being finished, it’s not the never finishing anything that bothers me. It’s the running. The feeling of going all day without sitting down. It’s finishing one party and doing a grocery stop on the way home for what you need for the next party.
My weekends are organized based on the events we have scheduled. The days are filled before and after nap time. I do on occasion keep us home from playdates, but on those days we are grocery shopping and doing laundry and planning for the next week.
I know I’m not the only one running.
And I know some people out there, the ones that don’t run on a daily basis, are saying, just stop. Say no. Sit at home like me and relax. You’re looking at me insisting, It’s easy. But it’s not. Have you ever tried to sit at home with two toddlers? Cabin fever is a nice way to put it… more like insane monsters screaming running in circles trying to burn every last ounce of energy by jumping off of anything that is higher than a chair…and it is so real.
If we stay home too much, cabin fever hits my wild child and she lashes out with every hormone I gave her. It’s a double-edged sword. A balancing act that will never seem to balance. It’s a game of “what I can handle” in my life during this season.
I’m also not good at staying at home, which is obvious by this post.
I like to meet up, and get out and try new things and be surrounded by people I love. But I hate the running feeling. I hear you. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”. Honestly I’ve never really understood that saying, but it seems to fit perfectly in this situation. I want it all, the social life, the organized, clean house, the stocked fridge and planned dinners, but I also want to sleep and not feel rushed and over scheduled.
Let’s sidebar on the sleep subject. Sleep is big. The feeling of running hits harder when I sleep less. Right now in toddler and baby stage I’m sleeping a lot less… A lot less. Naps with two are non-existent. I am not that super mom that can get them to sleep at the same time, heck I can barely get them to sleep at all. If you know my babies, they aren’t sleepers.
I love running, the type of running that gives me endorphins, and makes my body stronger. And I want to stop running, the kind that leaves me feeling empty. I want to give myself grace this year on the laundry and the meal planning and not being everywhere with everyone. I don’t want to say no to everything, but I do want to be smarter about when I say yes.
Even with all these thoughts and feelings I’ve rambled on about in this post, the unfortunate thing (but also what I love about me and my life) is I know myself. Despite the feeling of running that I dislike, the alternate is sitting and staying in. That’s just not me, I like to go.
So in this season where we have so much going on and I love all of the things we have going on, I need to lace up my tennis shoes and it’s a good thing I love to run.