One of the most helpful tools I’ve taught my kids started as a simple question:
Is this a big deal, or is this a small deal?
That’s it. No lecture. No long explanation. Just a pause and a filter.
Because kids (and adults, if we’re honest) feel things big. A missed pass. A friend’s comment. Someone getting something they didn’t. A rule that feels unfair. The emotions are real, but not every situation deserves the same amount of energy or reaction.
So we slow it down.
Is someone hurt?
Is something broken?
Is someone being unsafe or unkind on purpose?
If the answer is yes, that’s probably a big deal. We talk about it. We problem-solve. We step in.
If the answer is no? Chances are, it’s a small deal. And small deals don’t need big reactions.
The goal isn’t to ignore feelings or tell kids they shouldn’t care. It’s to help them sort. Because when small deals become big deals, we waste a lot of time and emotional energy worrying, replaying, holding grudges, or feeling jealous about things that truly don’t matter in the long run.
The flip side matters just as much: when something is a big deal, we want to figure out how to make it feel smaller. Break it down. Take a breath. Ask what can be done right now. Big deals don’t get solved by panic; they get solved by calm thinking and perspective.
This filter is just as useful for adults. I find myself using it constantly, with work, my relationships, and definitely in parenting. When a tense email, a snarky comment, a schedule change or a disagreement tries to ruin my day, before reacting, I ask myself: Is this actually a big deal?
More often than not, it’s a small deal. And realizing that helps me respond instead of react. It keeps me from spiraling. It helps me let things go instead of carrying them around all day.
And when something is a big deal, health, safety, trust, kindness, it reminds me to slow down, focus, and give it the attention it deserves. Not everything needs urgency.
What started as a simple strategy for my kids has turned into one of the most used tools in my own life. It helps me decide where to spend my energy, my patience, and my time.
Because life is loud. And learning what deserves your attention, and what doesn’t is a skill that makes everything feel lighter.
So that’s the lesson:
Don’t make small deals big deals.
Learn how to make big deals feel smaller.
Save your energy for what really matters.
It’s a simple filter, but it changes everything.
Leave a Reply